Thursday, September 14, 2006

Bamboo 4 Yoo

When you don’t want your friends to be more lucky than you....

Monday, July 24, 2006

less Hawkeye, more Hackney

I think I might be the last of the Mohicans. Not the literary kind... more like a cloned donkey.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Nightmare on Michigan Ave.

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Old Style

Monday, April 17, 2006

In the ghetto

Easter almost slipped past without a single notable event (except for the butterfly knife), but then, my moment came. The 12 hours of monsoon-esque downpour caused one of the gutters on the chalet to come partially unattached. The resulting overflow of rain so close to the foundation caused some undesirable flooding in the wine cellar. After a few moments of consideration I came up with a brilliant... nay, GENIUS solution to temporarily stop the downpour. It involved duct tape, a curtain rod, and a cell phone (Note to self: buy a flashlight). McGyver would have blushed. (Teal'c would have lost his Goa'uld.)

Now, had it been Flag Day, I would have fallen off the roof and spent the rest of my life drooling into the dixie cup tied around my neck-- which, by the way, I don't consider a wholly undesirable fate.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Bowling for Atheists

Easter, for some inexplicable reason, has always been one of my luckiest days. Things work out for me on Easter in ways they don't other days. I consistently win the bet, dodge the bullet, get my man, and/or save the day. I become at least 20% more witty, and appear a 1/2 inch taller.
I'm not sure why the stars seem to align for me on that day, but this year, I think I'll see if I can finally break 120.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Don't be S.A.D. It's Spring!

Chicago, IL
74 °F
High: 74°F
Low: 51°F
Humidity: 43
Wind: WNW/13mph
Visibility: 1609
Dew point: 50°F
Coat: Not without my ninjas.
Night: Generally clear. Low 51F. W winds at 20 to 30 mph, diminishing to 5 to 10 mph.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

It goes without saying...

Rachel's Helpful Hints

1. Don't pre-pay the landscaper. You'll never see him again.
2. If you are going to move 700lb. boxes, use proper lifting techniques... whatever those are.
3. Don't play puzzle games all day at work because nothing gets done and if you lose your job you won't have any money for more puzzles. Okay, just one more today, then that's it! I promise!
4. Don't rent Narnia. Wait for water to boil, then dunk your head in it. The latter option being more fast paced and engaging.
5. If you hear your cat throw up but when you go to clean it, you can't find anything, as gross and strange as this may seem- check the food bowl.

Friday, April 07, 2006

baker's dozen

Hey! I like your Neo pet.
Thanks. Are you drunk?
Yep. Let's watch Narnia!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Prometheus

I’ve noticed an odd deficit of fully formed pigeon feet in this city.

I’m surrounded by little winged Byrons.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sugar hair? YES PLEASE!

Last spring it was gerbils. I'd smell them with strange regularity. Under the L next to The Mart. 2 and 1/2 hours before it would rain. In the same room with soft plastics. Whenever Hank was around.
This spring I think it's going to be fruit and cotton candy.
On a similar note, I belive that a possible symptom of a brain aneurysm is thinking you smell burnt toast.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

#083

Holy crap! It's ISBN numbers!
It's only taken 8 hours to figure that part out.

Did anyone by chance read The Principia: Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy, or happen to recently catch episode 152 of Star Trek The Next Generation: Descent... part 1?

... anyone... anyone... Bueller?

Monday, April 03, 2006

Daylight Saving Rhyme

This is my daylight saving rhyme,
It's not about sun or the loss of time.
It's just here to fill my moblog,
But it's still as smooth as a Belgian sheep dog.
Don't be envious of how cool I am,
Cuz' I got less flow than a fluid dram.
Come back later for another weak post,
Until then my friend- sayonara, au revoir, adios.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

down with the sickness

Still working on this hot, ill, shakes thing.
I'm going to try to burn it out with an unseemly amount of vodka and a trip to the ghetto-plex for some SLiTHER.
If I don't make it, sell my ashes on eBay. Really.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Mental Mashed Potatoes

I think I have Mad Cow.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

It's not easy being green

Oh no! Sickness.
Dizzy. Shaky. No think right.
I used to be Unbreakable -never sick, not poorly acted.
Speaking of the unsinkable Sammy J...
SNAKES ON A PLANE
Breelyant! How soon can I sign up?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

ARGs for $200, Alex

Perplex City.
This ain't your mother's DaVinchi Code, foo!

Monday, March 27, 2006

With 4 you get eggroll.

My chinese horoscope says, "Don't commit the sin of having an excess of confidence, stubbornness, or self pride."
Humm... I wonder if they mean just for today.

Mondays...

Friday, March 24, 2006

Pop & Lock, Baby!

Sonot Green

Snow is people! Snow... is... people!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Where's my stapler?

Work make Rachel angry!
RACHEL SMASH!

I need a day off... and a bomb.

Is that a nipple?

If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would want the power to teleport myself into the forgotten top floor rooms of old skyscrapers from the 20's... that, or the power to see through people's clothes.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Flip ya fo-real

Screw you Mondays. Screw you for your 6:23 alarm, your distance from Friday, your cold wind, your slow walkers, your fat ladies on trains, and your 8 hours of predictable bullshit.

Next week, Monday, me and a couple of my cousins are gunna kick your ass!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Kiss me, I have freckles.

In honor of St. Patty’s - Genuine Irish Clover!

Smuggled through customs, and now semi-flourishing in their new [mostly] sheep-free environment.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

My Corporate Cell

It's like success, but without all the bothersome money.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

No foolin' huh?

I know what you're thinking. "Why, Rachel? A moblog? Who are you kidding?" Well, you're right. Coming up with content is a little hard when you're not really that exciting... BUT I WILL CARRY ON! My fans need me! (Hi, mom.)

My typically inaccurate prediction for tonight's elimination -- Tadpoles again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

www.tellhimidied.com

My brother is going to start up his internet business again.
This means bi-hourly phone calls regardless of the hour or my location, endless requests for his password just one more time, horrifying emails titled "please rewrite this so it sounds good", and a noteworthily high probability of me one day refusing to testify against him in federal court.
It has already started...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Boocoo Dinky Dow

It's not a toomah!

I hate this feeling. I need to get out of the house more.
Either one day I’ll wake up and be over it, or my self-indulgent eccentricity will take over completely.
I’ll develop a cancerous tumor, but because I refuse to leave the house it will grow to the size of a human adult.
Finally, it’ll become so crushingly huge that I’ll agree to have it removed.
Once it is cut off, inside they’ll find teeth, hair, an eye, and a group of veins depicting Mohammed.
I’ll be assassinated and my tumor will be worshiped... as it should be.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Baby J Birdvoice

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Rubins in the sky

Who's dreams will be dashed tonight?
Kevin & Will
(Buckys # is up next week, trust me on this one cowboys)

The Ladies?
The girl with funny little hair-tadpoles for eyebrows.
The other girl? Ace.



[March 10th: Well, I guess that’s the thing about public declarations.]

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Nex stop, Hazel Cres

I wonder if after I run out of my normal surroundings if i'll be
inspired to be more inspired.

Yeah....

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

And on the 4th day...

Was going to launch w/ george romero's gucci glasses, but tmobile too slow... Narro it is then.
THE MOBLOG IS BORN!